Christmas without family

This Christmas was the first Christmas in my life without family. It was a conscious choice mind you. We knew what we were getting into. We made the decision together last Christmas that we would not meet in December 2008.

So, how was it? I found myself intentionally avoiding the familiar rituals and ceremonies that I had so enthusiastically shared with my family for over 50 years. Some of these included exchanging Christmas stocking surprises, our traditional Turkey dinner, decorating our tree with our familiar orniments that we had collected, exchanged and made over the years, baking Christmas cookies to gift to friends and sending out Christmas cards with a letter reflecting on our year. My thoughts were that if I avoided the events I shared with my loved ones during the holidays, then maybe I wouldn’t feel their absense quite as much.

Did it work? I think it took a bit of the sting away from being apart, yes. Am I glad we made that decision last year? I am not unhappy about it. I knew there would come a time when Christmas wouldn’t be just about our family. It happens.

And, as I encourage my clients to do, I felt. I fought wanting to feel sorry for myself knowing that was going to a one-way ticket into self pity and drama. Instead I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt happy for my kids because they were together. I felt grateful for having a family.

Actually, what worked was that I created something wonderful and very different. I set up a completely different kind of Christmas tree of twigs, lights, silk poinsettia and glitter. We invited a family from out of town over to share Christmas dinner with us and after dinner we played games and laughed into the night. We invited a 29 year old German man who was traveling around the world alone into our house and learned about him, shared chores around the house with him and taught him how to surf. Larry and I took picnics up the coast and long walks on the beach. We paddled our kayaks up a local river and shared yet another picnic in another long summer day in December. Much of Christmas morning was spent reading in our bedroom window seat and taking cat naps together.

What did I learn? I learned that I cherish my family and the traditions that we have created over my lifetime. I learned that having a camera and Skype on my computer are good tools for sharing special live moments like opening presents together. I learned that there are other ways to spend Christmas that are fulfilling and meaningful to me. And, I learned I am happy that I was able to embrace an experience that allowed me to feel some very full and powerful emotions in my heart and body.

I am very grateful that I have family and friends that I care so deeply about.