Are You An Automatic “Yes”?

Many of us perform as a “good girl” or “good boy.” We do this because we want the approval of others.

Our “good girl” role is how we try to get our self worth. We think if we say and do the right things it will reduce our feelings of shame.

Yet, when you are an automatic “yes,” instead of feeling liberated, you are left feeling frustrated and resentful. Feeling frustrated and resentful isn’t healthy or fun. Besides the fact that you’re living a large part of your life feeling unhappy,frustration and resentment is a form of poison.

Your head seduces you into thinking if you say or do the “right thing” people will like you. Yet, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Your good person role is only sucking the life out of you!

By being an automatic “yes,” we are taking care of others before taking care of ourselves.

What is the difference between selfish and self-care? This is a question I get a lot from my clients. It is easy to collapse the two, thinking if you put your self before your family, friends, work, or community you’re being selfish. We often judge others for being selfish if they do put themselves first.

I suggest that the more we take care of ourselves, the more we have to give others when it matters most.

Here is a tip. I call it “Insert a Pause.”

No matter what the event is – whether it is on the phone or in person, to a friend, family member, or at work – before you reply with an automatic “yes,” stop and insert a pause. This can be as simple as saying, “I’ll get back to you with an answer tomorrow,” “I need to talk it over with my husband,” or “I have to check my calendar.”

Then, in that pause, ask yourself these questions:

“Why would I say ‘yes’ to this choice?”
“Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?”
“Will this choice fill me up or drain me of my energy?”

Do a “body check.” How does it feel? Does saying “yes” feel light or does it feel heavy?

At first, saying “no” can be a very difficult thing to do. It’s important to remember to tell the truth, with grace and from your heart. If you tell a lie (even a “white lie”), it could leave you feeling worse than before.

Be honest. Begin with, “This is difficult for me to say, but to take care of myself I need to…”

Don’t over explain. Keep it simple.

Notice how you feel. Relieved? Pleased? Glad? Watch for guilt.

To make choices for the right reason, it’s important to know you are enough. That begins with loving and accepting all of your self, especially the part of you that wants to be liked.

Please share your experience and thoughts with me below. Thanks!