Many of us were taught at an early age to “unselfishly” put others needs before our own. Many of our mothers especially, dedicated their lives to their families, volunteering for committees, and taking care of others, seldom stopping to notice their own needs, in fear of being considered selfish.

How about you?

Do you ever find yourself feeling resentful or frustrated when you’re taking care of or giving to others? What is it like to give from that place?

When you feel constricted or tight, you’re not giving for the right reasons. You’re not giving from a place of love.

What is it to be selfish?

Below are a few ways we stop love from flowing into our life by being selfish.

Are you one who easily takes on the role of a caretaker? Do your acts of giving come from abundance, joy and love or from guilt, fear, insecurity or martyr? The key is to notice how it feels in your body.

Many of us do things for our partner, parents or friends out of a subconscious fear of abandonment, need to be loved or to increase our self-worth. Usually formed by an earlier wound, we believe if we take care of others, they will take care of us, giving us a false sense of security, safety, love, belonging and/or self-esteem. Taking care of others from this place is actually a form of manipulation. It’s one of the most selfish things we can do.

Expecting others to behave in a way WE believe is right is also selfish. Judging and trying to control others to behave in ways that best fit our values and suit our needs is quite righteous as well as disrespectful to everyone involved.

Selfishness can also stem from a place of entitlement. Spending money on yourself for a massage or a new outfit at the expense of negatively impacting others is not at all a form of self-care.

True self-care is a form of self-love.

When you take good care of yourself, you make choices that are self-loving and self-honoring. This includes:

• Honoring your values in all of your choices
• Giving from a “clean” place of joy and love with NO strings attached,
• Nourishing your body with healthy food, clean water and exercise
• Making safe choices such as wearing your seat belt while driving
• Not making promises to your self you won’t keep
• Taking time out from your busy day to do something just for pleasure
• Honoring and keeping balance in your day and in your life
• Having compassion and forgiving yourself when you do make mistakes
• Having firm boundaries and making choices that are right for you, no matter what other people may think, and
• Knowing when to say “no”.

True self-care leaves you feeling empowered and fulfilled, so you have more to give to others…from a place of gratitude, joy and love instead from a place of martyr and resentment.

Making conscious choices from an authentic self-caring, self-loving place feels good. From this place you have high self-respect, self-confidence and self-esteem, leaving you feeling empowered and free.

True self-care is one of the most responsible things you can do…for yourself and everyone you love. True self-care comes from a choice of self-love. When you make self-loving choices, you fill yourself with love, and the world reflects that love all around you.

Take action now

• Notice when you are making a choice that doesn’t feel good. Stop and get curious. Ask yourself, “Why am I making this choice? Is it fear-based or love-based?” or “ Am I doing this for the approval of others or for myself?”
• Explore and take regular time doing what gives you pleasure. This could be free reading during the day, having dinner with candlelight, taking an art class, spending time in nature, or trying a new recipe.
• Stop and take time at least once a day to feel grateful for yourself and for all you do to take care of and love yourself.
• Look in the mirror and tell yourself what a wonderful person you are!