From Fear to Trust

On the trip, I began reading a book written by one of my best friends, Karin Volo. I was meeting Karin in Italy in about three weeks. Karin’s story is about a journey of overcoming tremendous fear, powerlessness, depression, frustration and betrayal as she found herself embroiled in a nightmare that lasted almost four years.

In the story, she was falsely arrested in the San Diego airport and taken to an airport holding room, where she would eventually go to jail for a crime she never committed. She was unfairly locked away from her 2 young daughters and husband for almost four years.

When the plane landed, I was right in the part of the book where she was in jail being verbally abused by the guards and inmates. In my deepest most active imagination, I was fully connected to her pain in that moment. I felt her fear and her sadness. I felt sick to my stomach as the plane landed in L.A.

As I walked toward customs, I remember my travel agent’s final words as I left her office: “Use your New Zealand passport on this trip. It will be safer for you.”

I pulled my NZ passport from my purse and gave it to the customs officer.

After scanning  my passport, he mentioned something about coming with him. “What?” I replied. I had another plane to catch. I didn’t have time for that.  My travel companion was concerned but I told her this would be quick. I knew I was innocent and nothing could be wrong.

After pushing a button on a wall, an invisible door opened. I was escorted into a big room filled with people. It wasn’t so much what I saw in the room but what I felt in the room that was disturbing. The energy was riddled with hopelessness, fear and despair. One side of the room was filled with people from many different countries, all slumped in their hard chairs, wringing their hands and shaking their heads.

The other side of the room was divided by jail-like windows with bars. Uniformed officers were on the other side of the bars. They were not friendly or helpful officers of any kind. These officers had the energy of bullies…threatening the people who sat directly across from their barred windows. I could hear statements of belittling, rejection and reprimanding. Many of the people who were being talked down to spoke little or no English. I thought to myself, “This could take a while”.

At that moment I knew I had a choice. I could join my fellow “jail-mates” and go into fear, worry and doubt or access my “tools” and return to my familiar place of hope and trust. There was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. My mantra became, “I am safe. All is well”.

Instead of taking a seat with my fellow “illegals”, I decided to do some yoga and mediation. I walked over to a corner near the front of the room and began focusing on my breath. Breathing in and breathing out, I returned into my body and to the present moment. I closed my eyes and reconnected to my “safe place within”, seeing this experience as being easy. I knew if I was to be on the connecting flight to Atlanta to work with my spiritual mentor, all would flow with ease and grace. “I am safe. All is well”.

After about 30 minutes of inner work, I opened my eyes and returned to the room. As I reconnected to the sea of faces once again, many eyes were on me. The energy of the room had shifted to a much softer and more peaceful energy than when I had first entered. There was much less fear. My inner work had altered the whole room.

After another 30 minutes or so of waiting, my name was finally called. As I sat across from the officer, strong words and energy came threatening from behind the bars at me. I was told my NZ passport was illegal and I was breaking the law by holding two passports from two different countries.

I politely replied that I was under the assumption it was okay to hold both passports. Again showing no compassion or understanding for my confusion, I was strongly told I was wrong, illegal and breaking the law.  I calmly and politely replied again I was unaware of this, and now that I knew I would not make the same mistake by coming into the US with another passport.

For over 30 minutes this officer tried to shame and frighten me as if that was his job. In a loud and demeaning voice, he continued to ask me over and over, “What country are you a citizen of? What passport do you use when you travel?” With each time he asked I was to tell him again and again, I was a US citizen and the US passport was my only passport.

I refused to defend myself. I refused to “hit the ball back”. And with each answer, I replied from a place of respect, calm and ease. “I am safe and all is well” continued ringing through my body and mind.

Finally, the officer knew he had said all he could. He walked me to the receptionist’s desk and after asking me the same two questions loudly one final time and listening to my reply, he handed me both of my passports and told me I could leave. I grabbed my belongings and quickly walked to my gate in the domestic wing of LAX with time to spare, with feelings of gratitude, compassion, ease, grace and trust leading the way