Insert a Pause

For years I performed as a “good girl”, concerned with what people thought of me and trying my hardest to be liked. Even today, when someone asks me for a favor, my reflex is often to say ‘yes’ when I’d really rather say ‘no’.

Although I didn’t know it at the time, my good girl role was how I was getting my self worth. I was often left feeling frustrated and resentful because I didn’t want to disappoint others. I was taking care of their needs before I was taking care of my own.

Sound familiar?

What is the difference between selfish and self-care? It is easy to collapse the two, thinking that if we put ourselves before our family, friends, work, or community we are being selfish. We often judge others for being selfish if they do put themselves first. I know I did.

Our ego seduces us into thinking that if we are a “good girl or boy”, people will like us. Yet, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. The only thing your good person role does is suck the life out of you!

I suggest that the more we take care of ourselves, the more we have to give when it matters most.

Here is a tip.

Then, when you are alone, ask yourself these questions:

• “Why would I say ‘yes’ to this choice?’
• “Will this choice help me to feel empowered or will this choice leave me feeling drained?”

Next, do a ‘body check’. How does it feel? Does saying ‘yes’ feel light or does it feel heavy?

Take action challenge:

• Recognize when you are an automatic “yes”.
• Acknowledge the impact. How do you feel? Resentful, frustrated, angry or excited, fulfilled and joyful?
• Forgive yourself if you have made the wrong choice. It’s a habit. Celebrate if you have honored yourself first.
• Remember to tell the truth, with grace and from your heart. Be honest. Begin with, “This is difficult for me to say but to take care of myself I need to…
• Don’t over explain. Keep it simple.

Then notice how you feel. Relived? Pleased? Glad? Watch for guilt.

It gets easier with practice. I promise.